I saw the sunlight crack through the clouds in the early morning
And cycled through old hidden car free pathways by the university.
It’s strange learning yoga again, because I can already do some things and so I’m learning in a different sequence. I can already hold my big toe when my hand is round my back.
I noticed that these days, the hardest pose for me is shavasana. I have great difficulty letting go, and relaxing. I had to very consciously try to relax my jaw, eyebrows, ears, arms, mouth, face. It’s very obvious to me now how I don’t let go in my body at this stage. Last time at yoga I felt like crying at the end, because I noticed that I let go a little bit as I arose from shavasana – it was over – the pressure to perform, so I could relax a little bit. And that made me sad because, I would like to feel comfortable enough in my body to relax the whole way through.
J slept with his light on, he didn’t come to bed with me. I woke up in the night being tormented by the sound of my keys janging, and loud tinitus sounds, it was actually a nightmare, as though my keys janging was a horrific, repetitive sound. I guess I do hear that sound a few times every day; maybe my psyche is being silenty tortured without my realising.
Apparently J feels like our love is one of a million, and that there are 999,000 other people in the world that he could love equally, or greater, than me, whilst I still currently exist in his life. This has made me quite sad to think about. And I’m not sure what it says about ‘soulmates’. I used to think I had a soulmate. Sometimes he still comes into my thoughts, but I do not want to love him like that anymore.
Anyway, I wonder what one million out of 9 billion is in terms of ratio. Or maybe only a certain few generations should be included. Perhaps the ratio would turn out to be even greater than one in a million, which in itself seems to be an ok thing to be for someone. To me though he is more like one in a billion – there might possibly be 8 people out there who I could love as much. Maybe.