DANCEY MEAD

watching myself talk
bulbous forehead fading hair line
bit like christy peto
round a wooden table

shaggy steep stone down
skulls face down
people had donated eyeballs
to go in them

ellen me + eleri
they had watched
‘the night of the prostitutes’
the night before.
Dimly lit room
door next to my bed
went out to end of chelsea road to st marks road
and then to the sea

i could really smell the sea
and the sky was so foggy
they blended together.

War between Serbia & Bosnia, could watch from banks of hill like show.
Machine guns (big)
people camped out to watch
my parents there in distance with bottle of scrumpy and picnic blanket. and joe. they weren’t happy.
After war the two sides stayed friends, the serbs comforted the bonians for their losses.
It was a revelation for me.
chatting to two lads about it after.

Boat barge coming out of underwater
epic boat dreams.

Colouring in winnie the pooh mag magazine
with that fuzzy black felt stuff on it
in back alley of chapeltown.

vibrator. me aaron & hiba sat around
i call aaron terry & her godfrey
she is offended.

woman standing on her baby
which is on floor under a pillow
but it’s fine, the baby’s fine.
Woman is drunk or estatic or something.

Tattoo guy was really good at drawing. He knew abi crosby. He could tattoo like painting
brush strokes so smooth.
Weird dynamic, and I was indecisive about what i wanted.
Never really got a proper one, ended up with guitar strings wound round each other in circle with DADGAD written above.

Kissing Dahir goodbye, he was getting a plane somewhere.

Cycling up Church Road, through ginnelly bit. Body art shop open late.
Guy with short light blonde hair and girl with long ginger/auburn hair.

At top of road was bus station. Going that way to hang out with professors at a university, english language/history type professors.
I wanted/needed to hang out with academics.

Then some bit about a man who was very calm and did everything very carefully
and survived when everyone else got pulled underwater
attached to big rectangular porcelain sinks + bath tubs by chains.
& there was a sinking sand issue.
He survived by doing backstroke really calmly,
Then there was a flashback to how he learnt.

Ended up at a world that is mostly underwater
With a gentle hill above water with ‘seafront hotel’,
old people in deckchairs outside watching.
Me and him underwater but just walking.

Holding the hinged broken branches of this massive burnt tree.
Asking him to explain the physics of it.

Looking at art, black gold,
fine scratched lines, detail.
in a book.

I think about you every day,
I dream about you every night.
One night,
I got so close,
I’m sure we were both in the same dream
And you told me to go.
Until that dream,
You never told me to go.

After that night
I didn’t dream about you anymore.

Big old house.
Bourbons + cups of tea
thinking can throw up now cos sink.
Fox red eyes bit my right hand

Spooning Emma
skin touched
I couldn’t bear it
softly biting her arm sucking it.
She moves to go down on me
Katy watching above over us.
Emma questinos whether it’s good idea or not
Katy very calm just saying “it’s up to you”
like her partner was someone else.
She goes for my clitoris which is massive,
pumping in and out of it’s hood.
She is delighted/shocked/laughing/in awe.
The way she does it, I just want to
wrap my fingers interlocked around her and snuggle,
and feel emotional but she’s not up for that.

4am/4.30am, two people stealing bikes from bottom.
I chase after them shouting I’ll call police
and saying out loud what they’re wearing

Flying on a log around a mini roundabout of pedestrians.
Anita is with me.
I didn’t think I could do it but then I did.
By the docklands I stopped to pick rosemary,
by Louisiana pub (but also not).
I land in the crowd, right next to D who doesn’t recognise me
and we both keep walking.
Turn around again, turn back and walk.
Turn again, turn back.
Next time I turn around stopped,
fully facing this way, looking.
D is surprised, meditative, intense, calm.
I wave shyly and awkwardly
as though I’m still not fully sure if it’s ok to acknowledge
we know who each other are.
Then D is like, hi, come with me, you look different/good,
I am wearing black,
which I am kind of surprised to hear.

D lives at ‘cornerstone’ or something.
Go to a room with big beg + girl in it.
D and me sit on bed, d next to girl
me on top of covers further down on girls side.
She starts to realise who I must be,
and breaks down crying.
D says to her, you know, there is something between us.
I’m sat there sad for myself only.

Some kind of parents thing,
wearing loads of eyeliner graphite pencil putting it on badly
someone, some parent type older woman
removes it through magic / thought alone
and makes it better.

D and young group of people out walking, coming back soon.
Us somewhere like harewood house.
Jim in room with me, wants to have sex.
Rubbing his hands all over his crotch and then making me smell it,
for ages.
Im not necessarily enjoying this / a willing recipitent, but
I lick one of his fingers anyway.
Then he gets his trousers with a dirty crotch
and makes me smell them.
Then we’re going to have sex but I don’t want to
cos D + everyone are coming back soon.

Outside. Hemlock/Angelica.
I eat a bit of the leaf.
Stuffed shiny short-haired black horse.
Junctions around edge.

A cat reading violin music
Violin bows I had many,
straight bows on one side, long & short,
curved bows on the other, long & short,
one made of braided nylon, a single braid,
one made of paper.
sitting around with people who were film makers,
on sofas,
I said lovingly “oh hello america!”
cos they represented it to me.
me and emrah running along traintracks,
with bicycles too,
stopping in gaps up to grassy bit,
kids there who ran with us & played with us.
Drew it later, going under bridge,
purple with bright brown sleepers,
in chalk, & drew full moon.