i just had the most amazing night singing with someone,
i really let my heart open it seems
and i fell in love with myself,
and then i went to my room and my boyfriend was busy,
and so i did some yoga stretches
which turned into me just hugging myself,
it was amazing and i had an ephiphany.
i called myself ‘baby’, a word my partner and i never use for each other,
and i told myself it’s all ok,
and i was so truly comforted by it, as a baby, and then also really saw myself as a baby who has grown into this body, so awkwardly, so scaredly and resistantly, with such sharp, painful fear of confusion, into this body,
and i just held myself, i held myself,
i could see how i could feel so safe in my own arms,
and love myself, and comfort myself
and yet i could also see how much i couldn’t let go,
what i didn’t trust to give to anyone anymore,
not even to myself,
and that was so interesting to me,
because for how then can i expect or desire to let go into someone else first?
wow, WOW, it has to be me, to feel the love, to feel loved
i just hugged myself and had a true ‘ness’ of loving myself, it felt so very new and fresh
i have just started seeing a hypnotherapist, i had my initial consultation,
and he asked me how i felt as a child, praises and repremands,
and what i would have changed,
what i would do now if i could,
and what i wanted from hypnotherapy.
i didn’t know how to answer all his questions,
i found them very difficult,
and gave him many wordy answers.
then, earlier today, i realised what it was
that i needed to say,
and that was that,
what i wanted from the hynotherapy was,
that i wanted to feel loved,
and more specifically,
that i wanted to trust that my partner loved me.
But really, it is really, really that,
i want to feel loved.
let me feel that feeling.
i can’t believe i got it from myself,
from connected with myself,
through opening up,
through singing,
just a magical connection that happened spontaneously,
after all the worry, the worrying,
the forced attempts at beauty,
and then,
chloe,
it happens.
a drum&bass version ‘my girl’ is playing in the background from a summer party down the road, and it sounds as though everyone there is singing along.
Thank you for opening me up to myself.
Yesterday, i slapped myself in the face, and punched myself on the head and face, i beat and flogged myself with fists and a bunch of keys, i scratched myself and wept and wept, for not being able to love myself.
Today I have sung into myself and met a person who i am scared of, scared for, and who i want to love, and who i feel i can offer ultimate and infinite comfort toward.
it is me, who is the great teacher, the great protector.
And this,
is Progress.